Now this is com-e-dee.   & I am not, repeat not, The Bearded Crank.

Let's go to the phones to see how we're doing.

MC Hammer: Matilda from Kalamazoo, Mississippi just donated the entire proceeds of her Social Security check this month! The $238 she donated will help pay for a stunning set of silver spoons that Sean has been dreaming of purchasing. Slurping soup just isn't the same when you have to do so with pedestrian stainless steel! * audience claps*.

Henry Paulson: Jerry from Missoula, Montana has just pledged to stop driving to work for the next month so that he can donate his gas money to fill up Sean's rickety mini-van. God bless you, Jerry. You've done a wonderful thing today. * audience claps *

(Fund-raising thermometer, showing how much money raised, begins rising)

(Fund-raising thermometer explodes through the top with donations)

Jerry Lewis: Well folks, we've reached our fund-raising target. With your help we've been able to raise enough money for Sean to buy that third house he's always been dreaming of. We've also managed to raise enough money to send all of his children to Ivy League schools and to fund a lifetime supply of non-government cheese for their dinner table. I want to thank all of the viewers for digging deep to help out Sean's family. They'd say thank you in person, but they forgot the password to get out of their gated community.